Saturday, August 9, 2014

How about an excerpt from
 My Coyote Ugly Life?    
“Urmph,” I grunt out as I run smack into someone, face-planting in their chest because I was more worried about saving the rolls. “Sorr-,” I begin to say and cut myself off as my brain registers the police badge that is pinned to the chest of the individual I face-planted into.
Sh*t, fuck, fuck, fuckity, shit-fuck!
My heart rate kicks up a notch and my skin turns electric as my body starts to freak out; knowing, this is when it’s time to run.
“Erm… sorry,” I raise my head slowly, dreading looking at the guy, “officer…” my words trail off, not because I’m speechless, but because I can’t breathe.
Did you hear me?
Why can’t I breathe?
Because I know this guy!
Omigod, omigod, omigod!
“Azaria,” he says my name in a deep rumbly voice that washes over my skin, making me feel like fairies are dancing all over my body in jubilation, such is the epic-ness that is his voice.
He leans his head down (way down, because he is so much taller than me), I look up and notice a halo form around his face from the sun shining in the window, his caramel colored eyes flash with amusement as his perfect lips form a half smile. I suck in a breath. (Yep. I’m a fan of the half smile. Sign me up, for I would love to have that mouth smiling against some very intimate areas of my body.)
Oh, my God, he smells so good. My body, completely of its own accord (I swear!) moves closer to him, making it easier to get a better whiff of whatever body wash it is that makes me want to take a chunk out of him with my teeth. My ‘gina begins to quiver; the walls vibrating with fury at not having him the other night.
His head moves to the side of mine where he whispers, “I missed you the other morning.” Holy donkey nuts his voice is sexy.
Oh. My. God.
This can’t be happening. Nope. Not happening.
No way.
“O-officer,” I stumble over my words trying to think of something to say, and reminding myself that this, after all, is a cop.
Not just any cop, of course.
According to his nameplate he is ‘Chief Cole’. Are you kidding me!? Why couldn’t he just be a gentleman and ignore the whole situation like a normal American!? No, he goes straight for it. Don’t hold back.
Okay, now how do I play this? I obviously can’t use the whole ‘Do I know you?’ routine. My ‘gina quiver made sure of that. I can’t just walk out and ignore him… Can I? Hmm…
I don’t think, I’m capable of pulling off the whole ‘Show-respect-to-the-officer-because-I’ve-had-too-many-run-ins-with-the-law-and-I’m-a-bad-person’ routine either.
Okay. Well, that only leaves one option.
I step back, straighten my purse on my shoulder, get a better grip on my box of rolls and look him straight in the eye (with a polite, yet detached voice and face) and say, “Chief Cole. Nice to see you again.”
And, ever so elegantly, I step around him and head out the door.
Whew! Close one.
“Azaria, wait.”
Shit. He followed me outside! Now what do I do?
Keep walking.
Yep. Just… keep… walking.
“Ree,” he says as his fingers wraps around my upper arm, halting my awesome walking away skills.
He turns me around to look at him and I do a quick peripheral scan of the area to see how many onlookers we have to what is about to go down; not many. Yet.
“Did you really just walk away from me… again?” he asks astonished.
“Did it look like I walked away from you?” I ask, feeling a bit like a society snooty bitch and deciding to go with it.
I notice a few people start to come out onto the sidewalks to see what is going on. Great. Well, they were bound to learn that I moved back sometime. May as well give them the show they expect from me.
“Yeah. It did,” his voice and face are completely series.
“Oh, well. Then I guess I did,” I shrug my shoulders and smile at him, this time sounding more like a dingbat valley girl.
Someone call the shrink! Chief Cole is giving Ree Dissociative Identity Disorder!

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